After All: Chapter One

After All

Chapter One

Q walked briskly down the tan halls of the Galaxy-class starship USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D, projecting an air of self-importance and confidence.  He was, however, in a dreadful mood that morning, as he always was, and it certainly didn't help that he had a member of security following him around as if he were secretly plotting a warp core breach.  He was simply headed to Ten Forward to get something to eat, if only he knew what to get.  Being condemned to such a limited species was indeed one of the low points in his life, and Q wasn't sure he wanted to face all the challenges that lay ahead, even the small ones such as hunger or fatigue.

That microbrain fool Worf must have assigned this oaf to me, that miserable brute.  How he became the security chief I'll never know, Q thought with disdain.  Once the doors to Ten Forward slid open, he lingered in the doorway and scanned the room for his nemesis, Guinan.  He certainly didn't need to be stabbed in the hand with a fork again or receive another emotionally taxing verbal lashing from her.

He had already been through enough with his near-death experience with the Calamarain.  Although Q would never admit his appreciation out loud, Jean-Luc and his pitiful so-called 'crew' were able to pull his shuttlecraft back into the bay and raise the shields before those devious swarms of ionized gas could put an end to Q's wretched existence.  He had changed his mind at the last minute, and decided that a boring mortal life was, indeed, a life and was a better alternative to death.  But now that he was here aboard the Enterprise and waiting to be dropped off at the nearest Federation starbase, he wasn't so sure he would be able to accept a mortal life, let alone the life of a normal, imperfect, weak human being.  He would have no one to turn to or to guide him in learning how to eat, sleep, or even go to the bathroom.  He had difficulties with the latter more times than he cared to remember, but his android acquaintance Data had assisted him and was subsequently sworn to secrecy for all eternity.

However, Q was never one to quit even though every member of the Q Continuum had thrown him out of their society for good.  He would at least make an honest effort, and the first thing he needed to do was eat.  Having assessed the room as a Guinan-free area for the moment, Q made his way over to the bar and sat down.  He still didn't know what to order.  Having been an omnipotent being for the past few billions of years, Q had no need for food.  When he first became human, Data had been no help, although his intentions were good.  The last time Data had given him advice on selecting nourishment, he wound up ordering ten chocolate sundaes he didn't even get to eat, no thanks to Guinan.

Q was in the same dilemma now.  He noticed one other person sitting at the bar a few seats over, sipping a green liquid from a martini glass.  She had shoulder length dark blond hair and blue eyes, a victim of Commander Riker's womanizing no doubt.  She was wearing a science division uniform, and she had two pip insignias on her collar, making her a lieutenant.

"Excuse me, you don't happen to know who I am, do you?" he asked.

She turned to him and tried to hide a smirk behind her glass.  "Yes, I am aware of who you are.  I'm fairly certain everyone on the ship knows you.  It's pretty much mandatory for all Enterprise personnel to be briefed on your existence and all the past hell-raising encounters we've had with you.  You certainly have some notoriety around here."

"Oh, is that so?" he replied.  "Well, I say I am flattered that Jean-Luc would go to that much trouble on my behalf.  Trying to build up my reputation like that, although I do say it is a tad much.  My presence does speak for itself, after all."

"Is there something you wanted, Q?"

"Oh.  Yes, well…"  He wasn't sure how to tell her that he didn't know what type of food to order, or how much, or even how to eat.  This would just have to be one of many humiliations he would have to endure in learning about his new way of life.  He tried to speak casually and pretend he wasn't embarrassed.  "I was wondering if you could recommend to me a good first meal to have.  That android you people have was of little assistance.  I have never had the opportunity to eat anything in my life until now, and I find myself extremely fascinated by the wide selection."

"You mean now that you're human and you're required to eat?  Yes, I can see how that would be fascinating."  Her mischievous smile turned serious as she considered an answer.  "Well, I have had many types of food from all over the galaxy, but my favorite will always be steak and potatoes.  It's simple, but if it's made right, it could very well knock your socks off."

"Why would I want my socks to be knocked off?"  This woman was ridiculous.  Unless that was another pointless idiom used by humans, in which case he would dismiss it altogether.

She shook her head and laughed at his remark.  How dare she!  "Would you like me to get a plate of food for you?  Maybe a drink too?"  He considered her proposal.

Well, I am hungry, and apparently clothing can be magically removed from ingesting it.  Maybe I can get her to eat some.  That would teach her to laugh at me, he thought.

"…That would be acceptable, thank you."

She laughed again, rolled her eyes, and headed toward the replicator on the far side of the dining hall.  He wondered if this woman was playing some trick on him, as he used to do to the crew before his…predicament.  It would be justified, he thought, that some would try to get even with him, especially since he introduced humanity to the Borg and, as a result, caused the deaths of eighteen of the ship's crew members.  Yes, he would have to watch his step carefully.  For the first time, he was glad that blockhead security officer was hovering somewhere nearby.  He might be there to make sure Q didn't get into trouble, but Q wondered if he would protect him if one of the crew were to try anything.

Maybe he would join them instead.  The alleged 'evolved' moral code of humanity will be reduced to savage revenge and bloodlust once again, he mused, trying to suppress a shudder.

Q was lost in his thoughts and didn't notice the being standing directly behind him.  She had entered the room with stealth, and Q was unaware of her presence.  The dark-skinned El-Aurian known as Guinan strolled up to him and whispered, "What are you still doing here, Q?"

He gave a shout of surprise and nearly jumped out of his seat.  Everything frightened him now he was human and had all these…busy emotions inside him.

"You!" he said.  "Don't do that!  You're getting on my nerves, now that I have them!  Well, if you must know, I am 'still here' because Jean-Luc hasn't found a place to dump me yet, that's why!  The question is, Guinan, why are you still here?  Surely by now the crew has figured out you are a dangerous creature and must be flushed out the airlock immediately?"

"No, Q.  They have nothing to 'figure out'.  You see, the crew likes me.  I listen to what they have to say.  I am close friends with most of them, which is more than I can say for you."

"What is that supposed to mean?  I'm Q!  I have an I.Q. of 2005, and everyone respectfully clears a path when I enter a room!"

"That's because they don't want to be near you, Q, not because they respect you.  I stand by what I said before.  You'd better get used to begging, because you won't survive unless people feel bad enough for you that they're willing to help.  You really are a pathetic excuse for a human, and you'd better humble yourself really soon, otherwise you won't last more than a couple of weeks."

Q was horrified, and it must have shown because Guinan began to grin.  He knew she relished every occasion to wound his pride, and she was taking full advantage of his vulnerable state.

The woman came back with his food and drink.  She was smiling at him, but it faded as she saw his expression.  "What's wrong?"  She noticed Guinan.  "Oh hey Guinan, I didn't know you were coming in.  I thought you took today off," she said politely.

"Yes I did, Lorelai, but I just had a feeling I should be here now, and it looks like I was right.  This place obviously needs cleaning up," Guinan said with a pointed look at Q.

Lorelai's brow furrowed in confusion.  "Well, Q hasn't caused any trouble.  He was just looking for something to eat, so I made a suggestion.  See?"  She held up the plate, but Guinan didn't bother to look at it.

"Give him enough time, Lorelai, and he will.  He needs to get off this ship before he causes even more damage than he already has.  He's a waste of space and has to go."

Lorelai narrowed her eyes.  It seemed she had enough.  "He's human now, Guinan, you proved that earlier.  Yes, I know about the incident with the fork, and frankly I'm surprised.  You know behavior like that is not tolerated in Starfleet, let alone its flagship.  We're supposed to be out here exploring new life and new civilizations.  We have the opportunity to learn from one of the most advanced minds in the entire universe, and here you are slicing and dicing him!

"What damage do you think he'll do?  That business with the Calamarain wasn't entirely Q's fault.  Granted, he did provoke them when he was omnipotent, but they didn't have to strike back when he was defenseless.  In fact, you've done exactly what they did.  Kicking someone when they're already down is a really low blow, Guinan.  I respected and even admired you, but I never thought anything or anyone could bring out the worst in you.  Apparently I was wrong."

Q's eyes widened with every sentence.  He looked over to Guinan, but she didn't appear to let much of her reaction show on her face.  He had known her for a long time, and he knew she must be seething yet embarrassed at the truth of Lorelai's words.  She looked smaller to him in that moment.  He continued to wait in silence and all but dropped his jaw as she simply turned and walked out the door of Ten Forward.

They stayed still for some time.  He slowly turned to face his de facto protector.  "So…your name is Lorelai?" he asked, noticing her white knuckles as she held the plate with a death grip.  He thought she would shatter the glass in her other hand.  He gently took it from her.

"What?" She snapped her head in his direction, and then visibly relaxed.  "Oh, right, sorry.  Yes, it is."  She shook off whatever terrible vibe was in her vicinity and sat down next to him with a grin.  "Well!  If this food won't cheer you up, I don't know what will."

She put the plate in front of him, and to Q's surprise, it smelled delicious, at least to his limited knowledge of the human olfactory sense.  He knew the fork once used to stab him was used to eat things, so he experimentally placed it in the potatoes.  He put the lump into his mouth and didn't immediately vomit as he thought he would.  He swallowed with little effort and decided he wanted some steak.  He put his fork into the meat, only to find it did not break apart like the potatoes had.  It was too big to fit into his mouth.  He turned to Lorelai, eyes averted.

"You will think me an imbecile, but—"

"Nope.  Although I will admit you are the dumbest person with limitless knowledge I've ever met.  But it's okay.  I'll show you how."  She took the knife and fork and held them up in front of her.  "First, are you a lefty or a righty?"

"In human terms with equally apelike human limbs, I'm ambidextrous.  Why?"

She laughed again, and Q considered that the sound was not so unwelcome anymore.  "Why did I ask?  OK, we'll go righty because I'm a righty.  Let's start with the fork.  Hold it in your left hand with your index finger on the place where the handle ends and the tines begin.  Good, now put it into the steak to hold it in place.  Use the knife with your right hand to cut a piece of steak off.  Not so hard, is it?"

"Not at all."  He went to eat it, but was stopped by her hand on his.

"Wait," she said.  "Put some potatoes on it and eat them together.  That's the sock-knocking part."

He looked at their hands and back at the plate.  What the hell.  He dipped the piece of steak into the potatoes and ate them both.  Wow, she was right.  This is pretty good.  Eating isn't so awful, he grinned.  They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, and Q continued to eat without any frustration.

Lorelai faced him after a few minutes.  "Hey, Q?  What's another word for 'thesaurus'?"

"Onomasticon."

"Of course you know that," she chuckled.  "Smartass."

He looked at her again, and he let out his first real laugh as a human.  An actual laugh.  Not a sarcastic or detached laugh he used to give when he was a Q, but a genuine, hearty laugh.  Out of the shocking revelation that he was experiencing his first positive emotion, he chuckled even more in delight.  He never felt emotions like this at all before he was human, but now…

So this is what being happy feels like.  Maybe this won't be so horrible after all.